Tag: crime

Pigs vs Wolf

A play.

The Actors:

Judge: A wise old horse of good standing
Three Little Pigs: A group of property owners alleging wilful destruction of their estate
The Big Bad Wolf: The accused

Montgomery Mole: Construction industry expert.
The Jury: Three sheep, five chickens and four foxes
Public Gallery: Two cows, various ducks and geese, and a disinterested ginger cat called Sparky.

Scene 1 : A barn laid out to resemble a courtroom.

Judge: All rise in the hearing of case No 2019:42a the Three Little Pigs versus The Big Bad Wolf. The Pigs and The Wolf will represent themselves. Be seated. Mr Wolf, you are charged with wilful destruction of property, namely one straw house and one house made of sticks belonging to the plaintiffs, how you plead?
Wolf: This stinks worse than those pigs, they set me up see, not guilty!

Muttering sounds from the public gallery.

Judge: Ah, The Wolf pleads not guilty. Let the proceedings commence. First, The Pigs will state their case.
Pig 1: The Big Bad Wolf blew down our straw house.
Pig 2: And then he blew down our house of sticks.
Pig 3: He was going to eat us all up!
Wolf: I didn’t do it you filthy pigs!
Judge: Mr Wolf, I will call on you to speak when it’s your turn in the order of proceedings. Pig 1, you will desist from inflammatory epithets like Big Bad, please refer to the defendant by name only. Pig 3, that’s speculation, overruled. Ok, the pigs allege wilful destruction of their property. Mr Wolf, you may state your defence.
Wolf: You can’t make a house out of straw see. The whole thing was shoddy, cheap materials, union labour, probably the wind blew it over. I wasn’t even there.
Pig 1: I thought his name was The Big Bad Wolf, everyone calls him that.
Pig 2: We followed regulation!
Pig 3: Admit it! You did it!
Wolf: Simmer down, I wasn’t there, you got nuthin’.
Judge: I’ve heard enough. Pigs, do you have any presentable evidence?
Pig 1: Only this cctv coverage of The Wolf blowing the houses down.

Pig 1 hands over plastic evidence bag containing a VHS cassette to the judge.

Wolf: I call my expert witness, Monty Mole.
Montgomery Mole: I’ve studied that tape all day long and I can’t see a thing, and that’s an awful big house for a pig.
Judge: Thank you for your expert testimony Mr Mole. The case is finely balanced, the only piece of evidence is put in question by the expert testimony. The jury will adjourn to consider their verdict. In this case a simple majority verdict will suffice, as there is no death sentence for crimes against property in this jurisdiction. Before the jurors adjourn, let me remind you, you are required to judge the facts of the case alone. Any prior dealings with The Wolf, and I’m looking at you Three Sheep, are irrelevant to the matter in hand. All rise! Court is adjourned for jury deliberations.

Scene 2 : The Deliberation Chamber, a cowshed, with the jury seated around a large table.

Chicken 1: You know that wolf’s going to eat you, you can be sure he’s done a deal with the foxes.
Sheep 1: What? We didn’t do anything, no.
Chicken 2: Put him away and run for it, it’s our only hope.
Chicken 3: You fools, put him away and he’ll come back hungrier and angrier than ever.
Sheep 2: We shouldn’t upset him.
Chicken 4: What, so that he’ll return the favour? He’s The Big Bad Wolf! Forget about it!
Sheep 3: That’s the choice, upset him and get eaten, or do nothing and take our chances
Fox 1: Let him go free for your own peace of mind? Outrageous! We have duty to punish the guilty wolf.
Sheep 1: That’s very true Mr Fox.
Chicken 5: Why did the Mole expert say it’s an awful big house?
Fox 2: Forget about that, the idiot can’t even see.
Chicken 5: I don’t like it, this whole set-up is flaky.
Fox 3: Set-up? What set-up? You saw the video, he did it.
Chicken 1: You want him out of the way Mr Fox, I can see through you.
Chicken 5: That’s it! The house isn’t big, the so-called wolf is small, the cctv pictures are black and white but I’ll bet that’s a small reddish-brown wolf.
Sheep 2: There’s another wolf? Goodness!
Chicken 2: No you mutton-head, it’s one of the cunning foxes on the video, they’ve framed The Wolf thinking we’d convict him because we don’t like him.
Fox 4: Nonsense, why would we tangle with The Big Bad Wolf, what do we have to gain?
Chicken 2: Getting rid of the competition, and how did you even get on the jury – with your record?
Fox 1: You chickens will blame foxes for anything! We are not on trial here!
Fox 2: Cunning Foxes? Cunning? Media stereotypes are a shortcut for lazy writers, and they promote prejudice and bigotry. Stick to the subject, the guilty must be punished.
Chicken 2: But we haven’t established guilt, have we? Only The Foxes are asking for the guilty verdict and I agree with Chicken number 5, that’s a Fox on the tape!

Act 3 : Back in the courthouse, only the sheep and foxes return from deliberations.

Judge: Where are the other jurors? There were five Chickens.
Sheep 1: As foreman, it is my duty to inform you that The Chickens, well they chickened out, but we do have a majority verdict.
Judge: Well, this is highly irregular, but we must proceed. Deliver your verdict.
Sheep 1: By a simple majority of 8-4, the jury finds the defendant not guilty. By 8-4.

Muttering and shuffling sounds from the public gallery

Judge: Order! Ok, if that’s the verdict then so be it, but let me tell you Foxes, if find out that you ate those chickens you’ll be held in contempt.
Pig 1: This ain’t right, someone blew down our houses!
Wolf: Tell it to the Judge.
Pig 2: We did.
Judge: Indeed, someone did huff and probably puff in the furtherance of considerable damage to your property. The fragility of the property is not a matter for court deliberations, the actions of perpetrator are. But the court finds that it wasn’t The Wolf. Now, I will summarise the proceedings and adjourn the court. In summary, the court has examined the available evidence and found in favour of the defendant. In closing comments, let me say this; Mr Wolf, you are found not guilty in this case, but your record is far from unblemished. Nevertheless, the court is hopeful that this chapter marks a new turn in your otherwise unwelcome contributions to our peaceful society. To the pigs I say this, you may feel that justice has not been done but I can assure you that it has. Ask yourself this – if the wolf didn’t do it, who did? The court is adjourned, all rise!

The animals exit the courtroom in an orderly manner. The Wolf, unaware of the conversation in deliberations, walks alongside the pigs and let’s them know he isn’t happy, he vows to find out who set him up.

In the sequel to this story : The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf, the houses are blown down again, and again The Wolf lands in court. This time The Horse judge throws the case out on a double jeopardy technicality, you can’t be tried for the same crime twice. A simple comparison of cctv tapes would have shown that it was different incident but the tape from the first trial was destroyed in a mysterious barn fire.

26 September 2021


See that snowglobe of the Windsor Castle? That was the first one, I don’t know why I said it, it just came out. Jimmy explained his souvenir collection to Olivia. It started with Emma when he was a student. He had told her the snowglobe was exactly like one he had as a child, he had loved it and then it was lost in a house-move. It was all a lie; it just came out before he had time to think about what he was saying. Elaine gave him the snowglobe. That was how it started. Jimmy then showed Olivia a metal coaster with an engraving of a flower on it, part of a set, which he had stolen from Lynn. A picture frame in which Diane had never got round to replacing the awful poster of The Eifel Tower that came with it. She had willingly gifted it to Jimmy. A felt paw-print that was a heat-resistant mat on his dining table used to be Anne’s heat-resistant mat. They were all mundane things, and you would never suspect they meant anything until Jimmy told the stories. And he loved telling the stories.

Olivia was disgusted, why did he have to re-count their sexual preferences? She’d been going out with Jimmy for three months. She thought of all the times she’d been here, not knowing she was sitting amongst the souvenirs of his sex life. She wondered what he would take from her, and what he would say about her. He hadn’t asked for anything so he must have stolen something. He would have done that already, it would be no use waiting until after they broke up, which was now plainly inevitable. What a horrid little man, he just wants sex and a memento, like a serial rapist, it’s not even about me, he never asks anything about me. Jimmy would never stay on any subjects around family, he would not talk about his parents or siblings for long. He never expressed any likes or dislikes. He held back anything that could be part of a meaningful connection. Olivia had noticed none of these shortcomings until he told her about the souvenirs.

It was Tuesday, Jimmy went to The Whitlock pub to meet his friend Liam for happy hour. Where’s the lovely Olivia this evening? Jimmy told him she had gone to her sister’s house and would stay overnight. They sat near the window; fire engines roared by. They’ll be going to the council estate, chip-pan fire probably. Jimmy and Liam had a chuckle. Happy hour was from 6pm until 8, then they had one for the road at normal prices. Jimmy was well over the drink drive limit, he dropped Liam off and headed home. Fear set in as he got nearer, he turned the corner to face the billowing smoke. The fire engines were at his house, spraying water. All the windows were blown, Jimmy felt sick. He approached a policeman and told him it was his house. Once the situation was deemed under control, they took him to the station. The firemen had said it looked like arson as soon as they saw it. An even blaze signifies a liberal use of accelerants, probably petrol. They asked Jimmy about enemies, suspects, motives, and they got nothing. Jimmy said he was popular, everyone liked him, he enjoyed life.

Jimmy went to Liam ‘s house, his wife Mia answered the door. He asked them both to sit down before he would tell his amazing story. Liam served wine, Jimmy recounted the evening and added the police haven’t got a clue, they’re questioning Olivia now. Why would she do it? I’ve been the perfect gentlemen to her, I gave her a key to the front door. Mia agreed, the little Olivia, the vegetarian, could not set fire to Jimmy’s house. It was more likely a burglar from the council estate who set the fire to cover his tracks. Liam said Jimmy would be the new Bobbit, like Wayne Bobbit, whose wife had cut off his penis and tossed it in a field. Jimmy told them it was just an internet myth; it had never happened. Mia backed him up, women don’t do violent things like men do, Olivia’s just like one of us, she couldn’t have done it, the police should be down on the council estate, knocking on doors.

Olivia ‘s interview was a formality, she said she was at her sister’s house at 7pm, the constable confirmed that the alarm was raised at 8:40pm. Both constables looked at the diminutive Olivia in her summer dress. When they offered her a coffee she said, no milk please, I’m vegan. They decided she could not be the arsonist. Olivia nodded at the inspector on her way out, silly sod with his beetroot nose, he want’s to lay off the sauce.

After the interview, Olivia went back to her sister’s house. She recanted her interview. Michelle pointed out that Olivia had come to her house after 9pm, she was unusually late. Olivia exclaimed oh shit! I told them the wrong time; I was supposed to be here at 7 but I was late watching that movie on the telly. Michelle agreed that it was a silly mistake and if the police asked, she would say Olivia was there at 7pm.

26 July 2021